All story summaries are in no way the actual plot of each book. I made these purely from my imagination. I am not a review blog.
Hello everyone! If you have stumbled upon this blog, I thank you for stumbling. The purpose of this blog is rather simple. I take books and come up with the plot based entirely on the title and the cover art. The goal is to make you laugh, and to exercise my writing skills; and hopefully to inspire plot bunnies for those who need them.
Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things by Jenny Lawson
Ralph is a simple and content raccoon living in a bustling suburb, who gets caught and stuffed by a taxidermist, but retains his consciousness. For a while, he sits on a high shelf, watching other animals go through what he did. One day, a small earthquake rocks the house, and he falls to the ground. He realizes that he feels no pain and that he can in fact move his body. He also realizes that because he is technically dead, he will now never age; indeed, he even had no hunger. He reasons that he had become immortal. Suddenly unsatisfied with life, he escapes from the taxidermist, and heads to the next town over, looking for the end of his agony.
When he gets into the next town, Ralph encounters another raccoon who is in the final stages of rabies, and he gets bitten, but doesn’t bleed. Realizing he can’t even die from another’s hand, in anger and despair, he strangles the rabid raccoon to death. What Ralph doesn’t realize is that the sick raccoon he killed was the head of the local gang of raccoons. Instead of trying to kill him, they choose him as their new leader, because he was unafraid and unaffected by rabies. Ralph goes along with this plan, mostly in the hope that he will encounter something or someone who could put him out of his misery.
During his tenure as Raccoon Godfather, Ralph encounters the group’s archrivals, the pigeons. The power of the pigeon clan lies mostly in the fact that humans accept pigeons. They are pests, but they can fly freely and walk on the streets during the day with few repercussions. With the new appointment of Ralph as the new leader, the raccoon gang gets more confidence. They turn over garbage cans and rip open bags, but to protect the food for later, they manage in groups to put the trash back in the bins and put lids back on. This restricts the pigeons, who used to take advantage of the raccoons’ messiness. They begin attacking the raccoons, pooping on the food that the raccoons are eating, or standing watch over the raccoons’ shelters during the day, making excessively loud noises. In retaliation, and hoping for conflict, Ralph, with ever-declining mental health, suggests that they destroy the pigeons’ nests. This is the final straw for the birds.
The pigeons have an assassin on retainer, a dog whose owners think that their electric fence is effective. She is a Borzoi named Sasha. She travels the neighborhood by night, fending off the coyotes from scavenging in the pigeons’ territory. The raccoons used to be scared of her, but they recently have become bold. The pigeons begin to spy on the raccoons, which only works because the raccoons have become unconcerned with their surroundings. They catch snippets of conversations, revealing the gang members believe in the immortality of their leader. The pigeons believe that if they can take out Ralph, the raccoons would be pushed back into the darkness. They employ Sasha to hunt and kill Ralph. She seems unconcerned, comparing it to de-stuffing her own toys at home.
Later that night, Ralph is having a debate with some of his closest subordinates over whether they had gone too far, when Sasha interrupts them. Ralph yells to the others to scatter, and that he will be fine. Sasha chases him for a bit, and is impressed that he doesn’t seem to slow down or get tired. She suggests that maybe he is immortal, but he still has the holes in his arm from the rabid raccoon he killed; therefore, he can be destroyed, if not killed. He thinks about this, wondering if destruction is the same as death. Ralph stops, and Sasha is able to catch him; she pins him down and starts chewing him at the seam. Thick stuffing comes out, and he lies there, unable to move but unable to feel. An emotion washes over him, a violent wave of happiness at the thought of finally being free of the emptiness he felt. Ralph laughs out loud and requests that she chew him to pieces.
Right before the final blow that would actually tear his head off, a human walks by. Sasha runs away, afraid of getting caught by her owners. The human looks at the damaged stuffed raccoon, and she picks him up. His arms, ripped badly, are in an open position, outstretched. She laughs and hugs him and tells him she can fix him. She takes him home, and stitches him back up, refilling his stuffing. All fixed up, she places him on a shelf along side a menagerie of stuffed animals. He looks at his stitches, dainty and unnoticeable; his stomach is once again full and soft to the touch. He looks at his small hands, sewn back together. They clench into fists.
Five days later the apartment complex burned down. No one could prove it was arson, but survivors swore they heard terrible laughter from within the blaze.
Beelzebub is an aspiring chef in the underworld. He shares an apartment with Belphegor, his lazy roommate. The young demon likes to try out his recipes on his all too contented roommate.
Hoping to make a job out of his skills, Beelzebub enters a cooking competition held by Satan to see who will become his personal chef. Satan flambéed the last chef, because he kept feeding him the same traitors every day. The Antichrist is one of the judges, as well as Leviathan. Beelzebub passes through the challenges with mixed confidence; each one is in a different circle of Hell. The ingredients range from colorful poisons, unpleasant body fluids, several types of cheese, and the damned souls from each layer of Hell.
One of the competitors is Mammon, his rival. Mammon is with the Whore of Babylon, Beelzebub’s ex-girlfriend. Her name isn’t actually the Whore of Babylon; Beelzebub bitterly calls her that, despite his friends telling him to get over it. Mammon and Beelzebub are neck and neck during the competition. The only thing keeping Beelzebub from victory is the Antichrist, who always has a complaint about each dish. Antichrist, being the son of Satan, is a real asshole; sometimes he shows up late, or not at all. The Antichrist and Mammon are old friends who at one point lived in an apartment with Belphegor.
Beelzebub learns about this from his current roommate, who also reveals that the Antichrist is cheating with the Whore of Babylon. Beelzebub rubs this new fact in Mammon’s face before the final showdown between the two. Then, using Belphegor’s knowledge of the Antichrist’s habits, he tracks the Antichrist down, who brags about his power over the competition. He says Beelzebub doesn’t have what it takes to be creatively evil, and generally insults the demon’s cooking skills. Beelzebub knocks him out with a skillet.
The final showdown begins, and the Antichrist is missing. Satan presumes he is off golfing or screwing around in the living world. Satan is hungry and wants the competition to be over. The chefs present their dishes. Mammon’s stew over noodles is delicious, and he admits it is made of his girlfriend the Whore of Babylon, whom he killed for cheating on him. Satan is impressed. He then tries Beelzebub’s lasagna, which is just as good as the stew. Satan wishes his son had shown up, but Beelzebub says he is already here. Satan immediately starts laughing, saying that he likes Beelzebub’s audacious choice of meat. He urges Mammon to try the lasagna, who takes a bite and then throws it up. Satan agrees, saying his son has always been a piece of crap. He then impales Mammon with his pitchfork, and tells Beelzebub that he has the job, and to see what kind of feast he can make with Mammon’s body. Beelzebub smiles, and pulls out a carving knife.
We are on water, not in a forest. There are no log cabins floating around on water, unless this is a poorly placed cabin after a severe storm. Which has portholes? There are at least ten cabins on this boat. For some reason the raindrops are a texture on the cover, so naturally it must be raining inside as well. My guess is that it is a sea witch, trapped in a boat; she is the woman in cabin ten. She is slowly flooding her room. Perhaps she is trapped. The captain has captured her to use her powers.
It must be a mystery or a horror book, because Ware’s last book had a title based on a children’s scary story (In a Dark, Dark, Wood). So murder probably happens. The crew is feeding passengers to the sea witch. The protagonist is a male passenger, because who else is going to seduce the sexy, evil witch? He does. Seduce her, I mean, and uses the opening to kill her, saving the boat. However, the sea doesn’t appreciate this and it rises up and sinks the boat, a la Poseidon Adventure. The End.
Lesson: Don’t capture sea witches.
Basically this is POTC 3.
On the other hand, it’s nice they called her a woman rather than a girl.
6/10, I would probably read this.